New Alan Wake DLC is here… but none of you assholes bought the game so who cares…

Alan Wake was a pretty awesome game. It had a decent story, a great fighting mechanic, it aimed smoothly and had moments of both humor and horror in equal measure, along with really pretty landscapes. Boy it had some great rendered trees. Mind you, the characters didn’t look so hot, but I was concentrating more on lighting up (enemies with flashlights, I don’t smoke. Much BEHAHAH!) and then shooting holes in meth-addled weasel men to really give a crap that Alan and his wife looked like hi-res classic XBAWX renders. Shit, I was usually too busy using a flashlight to clear out patches of nightmare tar and if you ever watched Ice Pirates you know what nightmare tar does – it makes you go POOF! right as your son is squealing like a burning kitten, ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DON’T TOUCH THAT! It’s PURE EVILLLLLL!’ and those lousy midgets have already absconded back to heaven and God is like, shrugging his shoulders, because he hasn’t given a shit since ’78 when he had to wrestle an invisible alien who skinned and hunted and skinned and hunted to his wee alien heart’s desire and then someone was like ‘AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!’ and shot up the jungle.

No wait. That was Time Bandits. Ice Pirates has evil mutant children and space herpes. Either way, someone shorter than you did SOMETHING and you didn’t see either of those movies either, right? Fuck you.

It’s getting some nice reviews considering it takes place right after the end of the game which means the endboss you totally shot with a flashlight is all like ‘HAHHAHAHAHA It WUZ A DREAM!’, and I’ll have to fight some nightmare tar covered typewriters or something for two hours. Man I love this game.

Either way, Alan Wake now has some free DLC for those who bought the special edition and it’s ready to be downloaded. Wow right. Just wow.

So you’re like, ‘Hey Tenno! Why aren’t you downloading that super cool awesome DLC right now?’ Well, ’cause I had to disenchant my magic MOJO MACHINE and at the moment I can either type this article, live, for you; or else download that sweet sweet time waster of a DLC.

So once I do this, then I can get with that and I’m afraid I can’t allow that Star Fox!

Where am I even going with this anyways? Jango is like screeching at me over the phone, ‘Our readers need copy you addled fuck wit! We need DEADLINES! We need COVERAGE!’, and I’m pretty sure I can’t cross that bridge until I get what I need, which is either some barely legal Thai she-males or another beer from the cooler, slowly condensing below my feet as I type on this crap devil machine.

It’s way too hot in here and I’m pretty sure I’ll be a mummified corpse soon, hands wrapped around a beer bottle full of sand, just dead to the world.

Buy Alan Wake today.

- Tenno