Update: my band's demo got 4 plays and 3 were from the same guy in Fresno, so I finally asked him why
Turns out we were recording our amps with the mic buried under a couch cushion for 6 months because someone read a forum tip wrong, and he could only hear the bass drum thumping through the floor.
Hold on, so the dude in Fresno was basically your only fan and he stuck around for 6 months of muffled thumping? That is some next level loyalty right there. Like he heard a distant boom boom boom through his floor and still came back for more. The fact that nobody in the band noticed the mic was under a cushion for half a year is honestly kind of amazing too. Did you guys not listen to your own demo even once?